Friday, October 31, 2008


Tonight, Mommy and Daddy took me to a Halloween party. There were other little kids there dressed in different outfits. Most of them were bigger than me and were able to do things such as sit upright and grab stuff. But not me. I just chilled out in my car seat and slept. In my chicken suit.

But don't think I was a lame chicken. Oh, hells no. My sedated state was by design.

'Cuz I was the chillest chicken you'd ever see.

I wasn't a chicken you see in the coop, or one from the cartoons. Naaaaw. I was a chill chicken, relaxing as if I were still in my egg, just hanging out, scoping out things. That's how this little chicken do.

If I wanted to be up and sprawling and crying and cawing, then I would have been a different type of chicken.

But, like I said, that's not my thing.

For my first Halloween, I was a very chill chicken.

And Mommy and Daddy were dressed as happy parents.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Game For Me

The best thing about grandparents: They fall for anything.

Check this out: every time I fart, Granny checks my diaper for poop. Every time. No exceptions. If she's holding me and she hears something, especially a ffffft or a bloop, she'll lift up the side of my diaper and check.

Which brings me to this, and I don't really have the heart to tell her face to face: sometimes, my farts, they ain't real. I'm faking. I have that ability. I just want to see if she still looks.

She does.

Don't tell anyone that I do this.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Small Effort

One of the great things I've learned about grandparents is that it doesn't take much effort from me to make them happy. Take this for example:

Grandpa took me for a walk today. This involves him dressing me up warmly, then strapping me into my car seat, then securing the car seat into the stroller, then putting blankets on me, then rolling me out the door and then pushing me up the hill, and then dodging passerbys and cars crossing the street, and then bringing me back home and then unlatching me from my car seat and then giving me back to Mommy for a feeding.

I did nothing other than agreeing to taking a walk.

This is fun to them.

Weird people, these grandparents.

I like them.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Family Reunion For The First Time

Tonight is big. For the first time in my history, there will be three generations of both sides of the family together at one time. I can't tell you how huge that is and how excited I am. But it's not easy.

Grampa and Gram live all the way north in Novato. That's where we'll be reuniting. And they'll be doing all the cooking, so they'll be driving around and working their tails off until we arrive.

Grandpa and Granny live all the way in New York, but now they're here in San Francisco with Mommy, trying to negotiate their way up for the hour drive in between feedings, which is easier said than done.

And Daddy, who normally works in San Francisco, is in Portland for meetings and will be flying in to Oakland and then driving up for dinner.

That's the effort it took to bring us all together.

And it was all for me.

And it was all worth it.

How lucky am I?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Departures and Arrivals

Daddy left last night to fly up to Portland for work. So with half the people I need to wake up, most babies would probably put out only half the effort. But not me. I brought it big time, as if Daddy were here too.

But he wasn't. And I missed him. And he missed me. I wish he didn't have to leave.

However, we went to Crissy Fields, where Mommy, Granny and Grandpa met Grandma and my cousin Petra. Petra's only a year and a half older than me. She's got chubby cheeks just like mine. She's got the best smile, and beautiful eyes. And she's a lot of fun.

We had a blast.

Hey, she's the only first cousin I've met so far. For the rest of my life, she's gonna be one of the people on this planet that I'm closest to. Today was an honor for me.

I can't wait until I see her again.

And Daddy too. Come home soon.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A Very Big Day

So I've had the honor and pleasure to meet and be loved by my West Coast Grandparents.

Today, it was my New York grandparents time to come in and spoil me.

Problem is that Granny and Grandpa's United Airlines flight out of Newark was canceled. My Daddy refuses to fly United because of the crap they usually pull. Still, my New York grandparents were resilient enough to hitch onto a Continental flight. They landed two hours later than they would have, but that's okay. They got here.

And they made up the time with kisses and hugs.

During the remainder of the day, they couldn't take their eyes off me. I couldn't tell if they were grandparents or surveillance cameras. They never let my back hit solid ground because they wouldn't let me out of their arms. They made strange noises to me. And I think I caught a happiness tear in Granny's eye once or twice. They brought me gifts. They fed me. And every time I cried, they were there, comforting me.

Gotta say, they took fawning to a new level, and I loved it.

If only everyone can be loved like that.

There's no East Coast/West Coast War between grandparents. There's no Biggie and Tupac thing going on. I've learned that no matter where grandparents come from, they're both equally awesome.

Hot damn, I'm a lucky kid.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Bree Bree

I got a chance to meet my big cousin Kelly and my not as big cousin Brianna. Kelly is Brianna's mommy and she's Mommy and Daddy's age. Brianna is about five years older than me, so she's part of my generation. Everyone calls her Bree Bree.

Bree Bree and I are gonna get along.

She held me in her arms. She kissed my cheeks. She made me laugh. She danced around, did somersaults and I couldn't stop watching and be entertained.

She's good times.

And I've got the rest of having her make me smile.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Be Prepared

Here's a primer for everyone still in the womb: Make sure that, whenever you come out, cross check all your references about your parents. Of course, you want them to be caring and hopefully make enough money to feed you and have a nice support system around you. Some of this information you might be able to gleam from listening in on their lives through the echoes.

My point: you can't pick your parents, but just be prepared for anything.

Cuz I wasn't.

The scene: Our Toyota Prius. Driving up to Novato to visit Gram and Grampa. We're somewhere near San Rafael. Mom and Dad are going through the FM dial. Neither is happy with the results. So Mom whips out her ipod and begins scrolling for something.


The right thing.

And alas. She found it.

Now, through my nine months in the womb and my almost three weeks on this planet, I've deducted that my parents are pretty cool. Sure, they make mistakes like wiping my poop on my body, but they're funny mistakes. I like my parents.

And then, they sang:

What I needed was someone to show me
You know you can't fool me
I've been loving you too long
It started so easy
You want to carry on

And then, the chorus, at their highest octaves:

Lost in love and I don't know much
Was I thinking about
Fell out of touch
But I'm back on my feet
Eager to be what you wanted

And then, at the highest level ever recorded by humans and fire engines, one more time:

Lost in love and I don't know much
Was I thinking about
Fell out of touch
But I'm back on my feet
Eager to be what you wanted

When I got back home, I checked in with the local authorities and got a definitive answer: Yes, I'm stuck with them.

Good thing I find their dorkiness to be kinda endearing.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hundred percent

A quick questionairre for all the naysayers and the haters:

Who just went to the pediatrician's office, kicked ass and didn't take names?

What was able to gain an entire pound in a week without eating anything solid?

Who has nothing medically wrong with him except for a severe case of chronic cuteness?

Who makes solid poops every two hours or so and juicy ones every six?

Who extends the middle finger whenever he puts his arm through a sleeve?

Who can bench press a ham sandwich?

Well, who do you think?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


I'm a good kid. How do I know? Well, I hear my parents tell me that I'm a good kid. So that's worth something, right? Although who says they have a bad kid? Who would do that?

But I have heard horror stories of other kids that are colicky and won't give their parents a moment of peace. I'm not like that. I don't wish that torture on anyone. I'm pretty chill. I just hang out, man, and take it all in. That's how i do.

Like I said, I'm a good kid.

So I don't deserve it when my parents smoosh my poop all over my body.

Let me explain: I had to poop. Like, really badly poop. So I pooped. A big one. A helluva load. And I let Daddy know that I pooped. And since Daddy learned his lesson, he quickly put a clean diaper underneath my dirty one. Nice. But he didn't put the Pee Pee TeePee over my junk, so I began to pee all over the place. I'm talking on the wall, on my dressing table and on my onesie. If it could take liquid, I helped the cause.

So, as Daddy's scrambling to find the Pee Pee Tee Pee (which I was laying on), Mommy came in and did the sensible thing: she put a diaper on the leak.

And yes, unfortunately, it was the dirty diaper. So now I've got pee on my chest and poop on my torso.

Why? Like I said, I'm a good kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my parents.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Back and Forth on 24th

Mommy and Aunt Pua took me for a nice walk today up 24th Street. It's a nice place, with a bunch of kids stores, other strollers, some coffeehouses and the bar where Daddy goes to watch the New York Football Giants kick some tail. We specifically went into Nest to buy me some clothes, into Radio Shack for an ipod hookup (Lil Wyatt needs to listen to Lil Wayne in the Prius), into Bell Market for some food that's on sale (smart Mommy) and then to Toast for lunch. That was the place where this strange woman came over and wanted to touch me because I was soooo cute. Listen lady, I may be a stud, but keep your hands off the merchandise. And just as quickly as she came over, she left.

To be honest, Mommy was just scared of her germs. I was scared of her helmut haircut.

Then, on the way back, Mommy left me with Aunt Pua because she had to run into 24 Hour Fitness. If you listen to her tell her story, it was because she had to do some ab work on the Smith machines. Or maybe it was because she had to put in some stamina training on the bike. Or heck, maybe it was because she had to do some instant core strengthening on the sit up mats.

But I was there. And trust me, if she was doing any sort of spontaneous exercising, it was some very intense squats on top of a porcelain seat.

Daddy came home late. I wish I could have been the one to tell him that, but I was asleep. Oh well. He can read.


Monday, October 20, 2008

A Long Night's Day

Well, if they say that you learn something new every day, then that means I've learned 14 new things. And number #14 was a doozy: I guess Mommy and Daddy don't really understand me when I'm up all night, crying and staring into their eyes. I thought they spoke my language, but guess what? I was wrong.

That's okay. They've got some sort of a checklist they go through that gives them hints as to what I need, and when they go through the process of elimination and I'm still crying, well, that's when confusion happens. And there was plenty of confusion deep into the AM.

To them, my crying means that they don't sleep.

Or that I'm being fussy.

Or that this is just part of the parenting process.

Wrong, wrong and wrong.

I wish there were a way for me to tell them that I'm crying because I'm growing, and that it's making me uncomfortable. And that makes them uncomfortable.

I wish it could be easier for all of us.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

In My Face

Daddy doesn't know how funny he is (or, at least, he thinks he's funny but not in the same way we think he is).

So I had one of my monumental poos this morning - right before I was supposed to go live online with Granny and Grandpa from New York. So Daddy changes my diaper - and let me say that I've been meaning to warn him about this, but I just haven't been able to find the right words - but when he took the dirty diaper away, he didn't immediately replace it with a clean diaper. He's been doing this. Idiot. So, needless to say, when my ass was exposed to the changing table, I immediately took the opportunity to poo all over it.

And yes, it was a poo to be proud of.

So Daddy's scrambing right now, and I'm laughing internally because, you know, crapping on furniture is only something you can get away with when you're an infant. So as I'm laughing...well, I got was I asked for.

Yes, you guessed it. I peed in my own face. Yes, just days after I peed in Gram's face.

Go ahead. Laugh it up. Hardy har har har.

Look, even at a young age, I know that was goes around, comes around.

I just didn't know that when it comes around, it goes up your nostril.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Joy and Pain

Sadly, Gram left this morning to go back home, but not before she got in her last hugs and Grampa got in a couple of bubble blowing and talked to me in a deep voice. It's gonna be different around here without her.

But I gotta say that I had a nice day with my parents.

We had every intention on packing some sandwiches and formula, walking the seven blocks and finding a nice patch of grass at Dolores Park to sit and watch a Soapbox Derby. But one nap led into another and we missed the whole thing. So, instead, we spent the day just hanging out. Daddy did some chores around the house, Mommy fed me and I did my usual burping, pooping and sleeping. We got into a nice rhythm. But we did them all together.

Like I said, it was a nice Saturday.

I love Saturdays.

Saturday night and Sunday morning, however, sucked. I cried and cried and cried and Mommy and Daddy, why aren't you helping me? Why aren't you? Why don't you understand? I'm crying, so help me! Why won't you help me? Why can't you help me?

I don't love Sunday mornings.


Friday, October 17, 2008

Told You So

I hate to say it, but I told you so.

Okay, I love to say that I told you so.

Like I predicted, my poop masquerading as some black sticky stuff is no longer. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my poop is now wonderful. It's long. Bountiful. Yellow brown. It loks like a million icky pebbles. And it blows out frequently in both baritones and falsettos. Diapers fear me.

My only wish is literacy, so just like my Daddy, I could read a magazine while doing this.

But the only thing I read right now are the faces of Mommy, Daddy and Gram, and I for one, could not be any proud of what I produce for this makes me a man.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Funny But Regretful

An open letter to Gram:

I love you. I love everything that you've done for me, Mommy and Daddy. It really means a lot to me. You've been great. You really have. I like it when you hold me, when you change me, when you feed me formula and when you sing songs to me. Honestly, I'm a very lucky kid to have you as a grandma.

That being said, I'm really truly sorry that I peed in your face.

And I'm just as sorry that I thought it was funny.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Full House

Today was also fun. Daddy did go to work, but Gram and Mommy were still here and Grampa even showed up for a nice chunk of the day. He made faces at me and did that bubble thing, and they all ate a nice meal, but still, it was all about me. And who could blame them? I'm cute, I've got a nice dimple, I look good in my clothes and my skin is soft. Who in this house can compete with that?

I've been a lot more alert now than I've ever been. Although I haven't really gotten perfect control of where my eyes are going, I can control them somewhat. I see the colors in my room and the long nosehairs coming out of Daddy's nostrils and the spinach in Mommy's teeth. I see them all. They've all been noted and processed.

I can't wait to see more.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Lack of Separation Anxiety

Today was the first day that I spent away from Daddy. He had to go to this thing they call "work", where he goes to earn "money" that will be used to buy me "things" - like dolls, diapers, formula and clothes that say stuff like "New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Champions" or "Super Bowl XLII Champions - New York Giants". I gotta say that I missed the big lug.

That doesn't mean that I didn't have any fun. Mommy and Gram (and then Aunt Pua) picked up the pace of talking to me in funny voices and making funny faces at me. It felt good, being the only guy in the place, my very own kingdom. And like any good servants to the king, they both cleaned me after I pooed - and did it even more gently.

Speaking of my poo, I gotta say that I've completely picked up my game from that sticky black goo into something resembling a dijon mustard. It's a first step, I know, but I feel that I can bring it harder. Just give me time. I can get there. I know I have it in me.


Monday, October 13, 2008

The Doctor is In

I had my first doctor's appointment today, and wouldn't you know it, I checked out as perfectly healthy. I even gained two ounces from the pound I lost from my birth weight, so I'm heading in the right direction there. Although I gotta say: going to the doctor just ain't my thing. It reminds me of the hospital with all the prodding and poking. It's guilt by association. Look for me to make a fuss about this whenever I get a chance.

What was nice, however, was the ride home with Mommy and Daddy in the Prius. Even when we stopped and parked in a spot, it was a really nice time together. We didn't rush to get home. We just took our dear time together. And it was awesome. We listened to music and talk radio. I eavesdropped on their conversations. We went up some hills and down some others. And the weather was gorgeous.

If this is the way life is, I have so much to look forward to.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Time with Gram

With Mommy having trouble sleeping and with Daddy battling a migraine headache (that i hope his genes keep to himself), I've been spending more time with my Gram, who has changed me, burped me, swaddled me and loved me. She's been great. It's been nice having her around and getting to know her.

So although it breaks my heart that Mommy looks so tired and it's all my fault and Daddy's migraine just ain't fair, today's been a fun day for me. Grandparents like to spoil their grandchildren. I'll keep that in mind and milk it for all it's worth.

In the afternoon, I met Uncle Mike and Aunt Sue and my cousins Nicky and Ava through the internet. That's a lot of people that live within Daddy's Mac, and I'm bigger than all of them. They made funny faces at me. I think they're gonna make me laugh. In fact, they already are.

BTW (and yes, even in the womb, I know what BTW stands for), I've been eating and shitting more regularly, thank you very much. I'm in a race to see how quickly I can bankrupt my parent's diaper collection. I give them until Thursday.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Learning the Ropes

Last night and today was kinda rough. Not gonna lie.

Mommy, Daddy and I were in a nice rhythm in the hospital. Tanning, drinking, burping, changing. Repeat. I thought we all agreed to those terms. But now we're in a different place, tanning was taken out, I'm in a seat that rocks and glides and there's different angles of nipple insertion...this is waaaay too much for a five-day-old to handle. And when I decide to sleep through my feedings, that's when they change me. My world's been rocked. What the hell.

But you know what? Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong. And I'm getting the hang of all this.

I'll just poo again right after the burping, you know, just to keep it interesting.

Also, I was introduced to my New York grandparents over the internet. Gotta say it, that was weird. I mean, they suddenly appeared in a window on Daddy's Mac. They waved at me and talked to me and were beaming with pride, but I ask: How did they get in there? And how do I get them out?


Friday, October 10, 2008

Homeward Bound

After a day and a half of tanning and boozing, it seems like my jaundice has gone away. Which means it's time for Mommy and Daddy to pack me up and take me home. I was eavesdropping on Daddy, and it seems like he had trouble taking apart my car seat from the car, and he had to call Uncle Shannon to teach him how to simply press in a lever. Yep. That was it. Let me keep that in my memory bank. He'll regret having said that out loud.

They have a cool car, by the way. A Toyota Prius. It's nice and quiet, and it still has the new car smell. And it was a smooth ride. Mommy and Daddy took their time coming home, up and down hills, with a U-turn for safe keeping.

And we came home. Gram came too, which was great. Let's make this a party, I say. Someone put some Coors Light into my bottle.

Also, I learned that when Daddy bends over, his pants fall down. Hilarious. Again, another thing to torment him with later. But he did do a great job decorating the hallway to our front door.

Then we walked into our apartment, and I was impressed. Mommy has great design sense. They took me into every room, and they called it mine. My bathroom. My kitchen. My dining room. My couch. My glider. And my bedroom, which is a nice mixture of beige, white and silver sage. Like I said, Mom's got mad design skillzzzzzzz.

Tonight, I slept in my bassinet, right beside Mom and Dad in their own bed.

I can get used to this.


Thursday, October 09, 2008

A Little Yella

I've learned that I've got this condition called jaundice, which means that my skin and pigmentation is just a little yellow. Don't worry. It happens to 90% of babies, so that means I'm in the top percentile.

Anyway, to combat that, they put me in a tanning booth for two and a half hours with a mask over my eyes. And then they give me to Mommy for a feeding. So, simply put, it's kinda like I've been out in the sun for 150 minutes, then going inside to the shade for a 30 minute pina colada breast break.

That's been my world today.

I got to spend some time with my Gram today, and Uncle Shannon and Auntie Nessa also came by for an official introduction. I like them. I think they have a daughter around my age. That would be my first cousin, correct? See, despite my relative youth, I'm whip smart.

It seems that I actually don't live inside or womb or in a hospital. Mommy and Daddy live in an apartment in San Francisco. They're hoping that my jaundice clears up so they can take me home tomorrow.

As long as Mommy serves pina coladas there too, I'm game.


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I'm Less of a Man Today

I had my foreskin chopped today.

Then again, I was so drugged up that I didn't really feel a thing, and I've been told that I'm not gonna really miss it. Plus, mine will look just like Daddy's, although I can't figure out the opportunity or reason where we'll both have to whip ours out at the same time.

So I've got that going for me now.

Which is nice.

Gram and Grampa have been here today to help Mommy and Daddy. I like them a lot. Gram is very tender and sings "Inky Dinky Spider" which I can swear is wrong, and Grampa blows tiny bubbles through his lips. They're gonna make me laugh.

Which also is nice.


Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Five Things I've Learned

Here's what I learned so far:

1. Those two people who are always in my grill are called Mommy and Daddy. I think they are my hosts in this world. I like them. Mommy is pretty and Daddy is funny and I get the impression they'll do anything in the world for me. I can't wait to take full advantage of that.

2. I like it when Mommy and Daddy hold me close to their bodies because I can hear their heartbeats. And that reminds me of the safe warm place where I spent 38 weeks.

3. I am supposed to suck on that nipple that's pushed into my face. And, if I suck on it long enough, some milk comes out of it. Cool. This happens every three hours.

4. When I poo or pee, someone changed my diaper. They think it's cute now. But just wait and see how long and far I can push this.

5. I live in this amazing city they call San Francisco. From my window, I can make out hills and multicolored houses. Could be lots of fun. I've got uncles and aunts, grandmas and grandpas and family, half of which live on the other coast, in a city called New York. How cool is that? I'm two days old and already bicoastal.


Monday, October 06, 2008

Hello, World

After almost 38 weeks of living inside of a womb, here I am.

Everything is weird out here. I can't really focus, but there's a whole lot of shiny lights and loud noises. Someone puts a strange nipple into my mouth that I think I'm supposed to suck on, but who knows? And there's these nurses who are sticking me with needles and putting thermometers under my arms and suction cups into my mouth. I feel like some sort of laboratory experiment.

There are two people who are constantly in my grill that have told me repeatedly that I was worth all of it. Their voices sound familiar, like these echoes I used to hear back in the safe warm place. Anyways, supposedly it was a tough 38 weeks for my carrier, this woman, who went through vomiting, edema, karate kicks to her internal organs, general uncomfortableness, high blood pressure and a full body rash. And when she entered the hospital for my delivery, the labor took three days - and it took a c-section to finally bring me out. Easy it wasn't.

I've been measured, weighed and cleaned. I've been fed, combed and wiped. I'm 25% bigger than any other baby in the nursery and twice as cute. And my balls are very large, thank you very much.

And, although I can't really understand this feeling yet and I know that my total life experience can be counted in minutes, I can easily say that, without a shadow of a doubt, I'm being loved.

This is gonna be a fun ride.